‘I Hate My Postpartum Body’: 5 Tips to Finding Peace with Your New Self
What is Body Image?
As a therapist who works with moms and supports them with body image issues and eating disorders, I hear the most painful beliefs clients have about their bodies. Many clients sit on the couch across from me and express how much they hate their postpartum bodies. The immense pressures to look a certain way come from all directions: family, culture, society, social media, movies, peers, healthcare providers, racism, colorism, fatphobia, and so much more.
According to the National Association of Eating Disorders (NEDA), “Body image is defined as one’s thoughts, perceptions, and attitudes about their physical appearance.” Body image involves the way you see yourself, the way you feel about how you look, the beliefs about how you look, and what you do about how you look.”
If you’re a human being in this world, you’ve absorbed messages about what “acceptable” bodies looks like. And you probably feel like your body is the problem and you need to change it.
Body image can be positive, neutral, negative, or a mix of all three. In this post, I provide examples of negative body image and offer steps towards body acceptance. And maybe even love for your body one day. Below you’ll find examples of negative body image thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and behaviors.
What Are the Components of Body Image?
The Way You See Yourself
I can’t believe how flabby my stomach looks.
My nose is so much larger now.
The Way You Feel
I hate my stomach, it’s gross.
My butt is so flat and weird.
The Way You Believe
No one will ever see me as attractive now that I’ve had a baby.
I’m just a dumpy mom now.
The Way You Behave
You wear baggy clothing to hide your body.
You’re not buying new clothes, hoping you can soon fit into your pre-baby clothes.
How Do I NOT Hate My Postpartum Body?
Developing a more positive body image can be a time-consuming process and is unique for each person. However, there are steps you can take to start improving your relationship with your body. If you’re looking to foster more acceptance and love for your body, try these five tips.
Focus on Neutrality
Body neutrality is essentially what it sounds like: taking a neutral approach to your body and focusing on what your body can do for you. A body-positive statement sounds like, “I love my rolls and stretch marks; they are beautiful,” whereas a body-neutral statement sounds like, “I appreciate that my body protects me and carries me through life.”
Body neutrality focuses more on gratitude for your body and is less about trying to love every part of your body. It’s essential to note that body neutrality should not be contingent upon ability. People’s bodies have different functions, and someone using crutches can practice body neutrality just like a person who can walk without assistance.
Body positivity can feel disingenuous and unhelpful when your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and behaviors are screaming that your body isn’t good enough. Body neutrality can feel more accessible and realistic for some. Try out this body-neutral statement when you’re having a tough body image day:
My body allows me to (swim, hug loved ones, experience life, sit by the lake), and I appreciate that.
Amanda Beck Martinez is a fat activist and educator, and I especially love her suggestions for transforming your beliefs about your body.
“The purpose of your body is relationship.”
This statement is so powerful and has helped me the most as a fellow mom navigating body changes. Your body enables you to care for your children, hug them, and have a meaningful relationship with them. What a fantastic perspective!
Try Affirmations
Thoughts are powerful. How you think about your body and the statements you repeat in your mind have a lot of impact over time. By making adjustments to your body image, you can begin to change how you feel about your body. Thoughts are just one piece of the body image puzzle, but they do matter!
Since positive affirmations can ring false, try these neutral statements. If you don’t love your body right now, these affirmations can help you tolerate it. There are things you can’t change about your body, like your height or bone structure. DNA determines certain things, and starting by accepting those may be the most straightforward approach.
This is how my C-section scar looks, and it shows what I braved to bring my baby earthside.
My body has been through pregnancy and birth, and I can be grateful for all that my body has done.
You can also try these general statements about your body as a whole.
My body is the least interesting thing about me.
My body is meant to change throughout my life; my body has different needs at different times.
When you don’t try to force love and positivity into affirmations about your body, it’s more likely the affirmations will feel helpful. Get creative with how you use them. Write them in a journal, repeat them to yourself out loud each morning, create art with them, or do anything else!
Avoid Shame
When you focus on changing your body, you’re likely to feel shame when you’re not seeing the results you hoped for. Shame will perpetuate and intensify the ‘I hate my body’ thoughts and feelings. By avoiding shame, you can instead focus on wellness-related goals that are kind and supportive of you. This leads perfectly into the next tip.
This short clip by Brené Brown gives an excellent, quick overview of shame.
Set Compassionate Goals
Instead of making a goal based on restriction, change, or shame, try goals based on self-compassion. What is self-compassion?
Dr. Kristin Neff says when you’re acting with self-compassion, “You may try to change in ways that allow you to be healthier and happier, but this is done because you care about yourself, not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are. Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness.”
So, if you’re setting a goal related to your wellness, do it from a place of care for yourself, not from a place of hate for yourself. A few examples are:
I plan to go for a morning walk 3 times a week because movement helps manage my anxiety, and it’s nice to be outside.
I’m going to focus on eating protein at breakfast because I am so irritable when I’m hungry.
These goals focus on how your body feels about these behaviors, and they are not about changing your body. And if you don’t hit these goals? Practice self-compassion there, too. You can say:
I did two walks this week, that’s more than none! I’ll try for three again next week.
I know I didn’t eat enough food at breakfast a few days this week, it’s so hard to cook for myself as a mom! It’s a lot to juggle making food for an entire family.
In assessing these goals, consider the achievement of what you DID accomplish and acknowledge how you might want to make some changes in the future. There is no shaming (I failed; I can’t believe I did that, etc.) or being overly critical (I am so stupid; what is wrong with me, etc.). Remember that goals based on shame or hatred of self will only perpetuate the negative body image cycle.
Like any other type of relationship, the relationship you have with your body takes work and time. There will be frustration, anger, peace, compassion, and everything else in between. The journey is not linear. You may get off track more than once. This is normal, and this is okay.
The goal isn’t to feel amazing about your body all the time; that’s impossible. The goal is to come closer to acceptance, and maybe even love, week by week. The goal is to go from ‘I hate my body’ to a more compassionate view of yourself. And to understand that your body is not the problem and it never was.
Have any tips you’d like to add? I’d love to hear! Leave a comment below and let me know what has helped you improve your body image.
