How to Enjoy Motherhood More: 3 Ways to Find Peace in the Chaos
I didn’t know it would be this hard!
On your path to becoming a mom, maybe you expected to have less sleep, less time for yourself, and less energy, but less joy? Wow, that’s probably not what you wanted! As a maternal mental health therapist, I talk to so many moms who are struggling to enjoy motherhood and feel like something is wrong with them because they’re finding the experience so hard.
Imagining motherhood and experiencing motherhood are two very different things. Our society strongly promotes the idea that motherhood should always be enjoyable and fulfilling. So when you’ve birthed your baby and entered those early days of parenthood, you might be surprised to find that you do not love every moment.
I’m here to tell you, it’s not your fault, and nothing is wrong with you.
Most moms want to enjoy motherhood, and it feels incredibly painful when that’s not the experience they’re having. The good news is, perfection isn’t the goal! The three tips in this post will outline how to enjoy motherhood more and find peace in the chaos!
“Successful mothers are not the ones that have never struggled. They are the ones that never give up, despite the struggles.” Sharon Jaynes”
Step One: Get off Your Phone
I know, I know, it’s hard for me too. It’s so easy to grab your phone and scroll mindlessly during bathrime, after the kids are asleep, when you’re breastfeeding, or when your kids are playing. Social media is especially problematic because it’s designed to keep us scrolling and engaging with content.
Of course, you need to use your phone throughout the day to answer messages or schedule appointments, but focus on picking it up less. Our smartphones also offer quick distraction. You pick up your phone, tap on the app, and BOOM, you’re not thinking about your toddlers’ tantrum anymore, you’re transported to Maui.
Motherhood is stressful enough! Consistent phone usage isn’t gonna help you. It feels good in the moment, but causes problems over time. Here’s the problem: phones don’t calm you down. You may zone out or feel numb, but it doesn’t mean your nervous system is calming down.
According to Victoria Strohmeyer, a registered psychotherapist with UCHealth Yampa Valley Medical Center. “When you check your phone or hear an alert, you activate your sympathetic nervous system, the part of your body that’s always scanning the environment. It gives you a little shot of adrenaline for every interaction.”
The adrenaline triggers your body to pay attention. It also triggers a series of chemical reactions that increase heart rate, pulse, and muscle tension, diverting energy away from the brain to the muscles. It takes your brain approximately 30 minutes to return to baseline after receiving one of these alerts.
An anxious and stressed nervous system makes motherhood harder.
You may be ready for me to move on, but social media, in particular, also sucks the joy out of motherhood. The comparison trap is real. Social media features beautiful, well-lit, and perfectly curated images and videos. It’s not real. You’re sitting in the rocker, milk stains on your shirt, with unwashed hair, and you stop on one of these videos. A mom is perfectly dressed, her home is clean, and she takes 60 seconds to show you her day. You feel shame, you start judging yourself, “How does she do it? Why is this so hard for me?”
Social media is all about marketing and presenting things in a favorable light. Real motherhood is messy.
What can you do instead of endlessly swiping through your FYP on TikTok?
Take deep breaths! Breathe in for four counts, hold for four counts, release the breath for four counts. Deep breathing calms the nervous system. No need to overcomplicate it, you can breathe in and out whenever you remember to!
Try a Guided Meditation! My absolute favorite is called 'Unwind to Surrender: 10-Minute Release and Relinquish.' I have listened to it countless times since I was pregnant, and it is magical. Guided meditations are perfect because you can listen easily as a busy mom. Press play in the car, during playtime, while you’re cooking, or before falling asleep at night.
Get outside! Kids love going outside, so you’re in luck. Look up at the sky, find birds together, pick up sticks, and go barefoot to feel the grass between your toes. Pull out the water table and splash around, taking in the scents of grass and leaves. Feel the sun on your skin and the breeze in your hair. Studies have shown that spending time in nature lowers cortisol levels, blood pressure, and heart rate, indicating a decrease in stress (Jimenez et al., 2021).
Take a rest! When your child is playing or napping, don’t immediately pull out your phone. You can sit on the couch and watch them play or lie down when they’re napping. There may be a lot on your to-do list, but let’s be honest, the thing you probably need most is to rest.
Step two: Connect with Moms in Real Life
This tip is tricky because I’m aware not everyone has much support! If you don’t know any other moms, consider checking out children's events at your local library or joining a local mom's group. You can often find these groups by searching for them on Instagram. I have found that most moms enjoy connecting with other moms and are happy to chat.
Cultivating friendships with other moms is a fantastic way to build community with people who understand what it’s like to be a mom day in and day out. Humans need connection, and relationships are essential for our well-being.
Having good mom friends can help reduce feelings of loneliness, relieve stress, and normalize the ups and downs of motherhood. Being able to share stories, vent to one another, drop off groceries, go to the park with the kids, and be a village together makes motherhood so much more enjoyable. We are not meant to mother alone.
If you’re in Central Florida, consider visiting these places to connect with other moms!
The Mom Walk - Lake Nona
WooHoo Adventures posts weekly about kid-friendly activities!
Step Three: Try Mental Health Therapy
Maybe this feels like a shameless plug, but I wouldn’t be a therapist if I didn’t wholeheartedly believe in its benefits. Finding a good therapist is hard. Scheduling and finances can also be barriers. So I understand how hard it can be to make therapy happen. If you think you have some time to spare and some money to invest in the process, mental health therapy can be incredibly supportive.
If you want to enjoy motherhood more, there may be a lot to discuss with a compassionate professional who understands the complexities of motherhood. You don’t need a diagnosis to benefit from perinatal mental health therapy. Therapy is for any mom who needs space to be held and heard.
Therapy can help you make sense of your emotions, your motherhood experience, your past traumas, your pregnancy and birth experiences, your relationships, and so much more. You can come to understand your lived experience and what is getting in the way of enjoying motherhood more. Sometimes it’s hard to know what we need and what is wrong. My goal is to empower mothers and gently guide them to make soul-aligned choices in their lives. You deserve to enjoy motherhood, and you deserve to take the space to make that happen. You don’t have to figure it out alone.
Imagine your life is a messy pile of puzzle pieces. You’re not sure where they go and how they all fit. You’re overwhelmed and don’t know where to start. Therapy helps you sort through the pieces, find where they go, and confidently place them there.
If therapy is not accessible, check out Postpartum Support International. This organization hosts dozens of free support groups weekly. They have groups for loss, birth trauma, BIPOC moms, perinatal mood support, Queer and Trans parents, Fertility challenges, NICU parents, and so much more. They also offer a peer support program, which you can learn more about here.
Enjoying motherhood isn’t just a one-time decision; it is an ongoing practice that takes effort and intention. It isn’t all or nothing either. Start with maternal mental health therapy and see how it goes. Or, for an easy and actionable idea, put your phone down and focus on your breath. If you’re feeling isolated and without a village, attend some local events for moms and kids. You are capable of having an impact on your motherhood experience.
There is so little we have control of once we become moms, but I hope these three tips will increase your joy and decrease your pain as you walk your life path. It can get better.
